Bourgogne 2022 selon Neal Martin

par Yves Martineau Jeu 11 Jan 2024 - 16:06

Un Neal Martin en grande forme écrit cette folle introduction à son rapport sur le millésime 2022 .....ça vaut son pesant de (Côte) d'or! Laughing

Now, For My Latest Trick: Burgundy 2022

BY NEAL MARTIN | JANUARY 11, 2024

Côte de Beaune: Aloxe, Ladoix & Pernand | Beaune | Chassagne-Montrachet | Maranges, Monthelie & St-Aubin | Meursault | Pommard | Puligny-Montrachet | Volnay

Côte de Nuits: Chambolle | Fixin & Marsannay | Gevrey-Chambertin | Morey-Saint-Denis | Nuits Saint-Georges | Vosne-Romanée

Introduction

God is watching Friends and munching a pink Fondant Fancy when He sees the newsflash. The sober-looking newsreader coughs and composes himself. What the dickens has happened this time? He readies himself for the worst. The news is so unbelievable that He sits there frozen, Fondant Fancy suspended in front of open mouth.

“There are unconfirmed reports that a Burgundy grower has reduced, I repeat, reduced their 2022 prices.”

God paces the living room like a biodynamic winemaker on a root day.

“Get it together. You. Are. God. You are all-powerful. You can do anything. Don’t panic.”

He speed-dials his local merchant. A plummy English voice chiseled by a hideously expensive public school education deigns to answer.

“Good afternoon. How may I assist?”

“God speaking. I’m phoning about the Burgundy grower that has reduced their prices.”

The merchant covers the speaker with his hand. His guffaws remain audible.

“Is this a prank call? Next, you’ll be telling me that the Beastie Boys are DJ’ing in Clos de Vougeot or that someone has made Riesling in the Côte d’Or*, Syrah in Mâcon**. Let me guess. You really are the Creator of life, the universe and everything.”

“Actually…”

He hangs up. God jots down the name of the merchant whose future is instantaneously as bleak as a vine planted on 161-49 rootstock in the mid-nineties. He phones Mother Nature.

“God here.”

“Which one?”

He sighs. “The Old Testament one.”

“Aw wight, darlin’,” she replies, sounding like Eliza Doolittle before her first elocution lesson. “Are you phonin’ to fank me for blessin’ Burgundy with a pair a lov-er-ly growin’ seasons?”

“No, I…”

“It did cause one or two fires. Wot a palaver! That’s the price ya’ pay if you want ripe grapes.”

“No, I am calling about…”

She witters on inanely, not listening to a word of reason, like a deluded vineyard owner who’s doubled the price of his over-cropped Chambertin. He puts down the handset, picks up the TV remote and watches a live report of rioting outside wine merchants. Bellicose men in pin-striped suits elbow each other out of the way and flash wads of money. One shoves 500 Euro notes through a letter box, bawling: “I’ll take anything…anything you got…as long as it’s Grand Cru and 100 points.” Flicking through His Instagram feed (@ireallyamgod), conspiracy theories are legion.

The price reduction is AI-generated.

The price reduction is a sign of world peace.

The price reduction is Divine Intervention…

If only.

Eventually, His eye catches the TV screen. In hiding since the news broke, the culpable winemaker is being interviewed on French TV outside the Hotel Dieu in St.-Tropez-Sans-Mer, the official new name for Beaune. In the studio waiting to debate the issue is renowned Japanese sommelier Shizuku Kanzaki, looking a bit “sketchy” today, and Trudy Kurniawan, who claims she can concoct blends that taste absolutely nothing like the real thing.

“It’s my fault,” the winemaker sobs. “I pressed the minus key by mistake. Our prices are increasing by 20%.”

Two grim-faced gendarmes cart him away to a penal colony adjacent to Beaune’s Les Cité des Climats, which just celebrated its 10th visitor.

God slumps onto his sofa and pops the rest of his Fondant Fancy in his mouth, resigned to the fact that nothing flips the bird to economic theory like fine wine. He entertains the thought of buying that case, even if the price has gone up in a more prodigious vintage.

Well, should He?

He logs on to Vinous, His favorite website, skips the infantile preamble, and starts to read.